i need to give up~

The days grow longer as I sit in my chair watching time slip slowly by. I have to give up!

Motivation has become almost non existent. I wait for illness to come and visit me. I can feel my body slowly deteriorating, my chest becoming congested, my limbs becoming useless. The truth is I can find no reason to get up and do anything. Even writing these words takes a massive effort.

I don't know how this situation has come about and I don't know how the hell to get my motivation back. In fact I don't see the point of anything any more. Just sit around and wait for the grim reaper to come and take me I suppose.

It's funny though how my conscience still keeps nagging me. I read the words that I have just written and I feel guilty. Guilty because people are still doing things around me. I should get off my bottom and help, contribute, earn my keep. But I can't do it because, to me, there is no point. Humdrum days.

I don't like me very much. I am not proud of my mental self - they have deteriorated into deep decay. I even disgust myself by whining on in this journal. DO SOMETHING FELIX! I can't. Why not? I don't know. Isn't that the easy way out? I guess so. Well why don't you take the hard way out? Because I follow the path of least resistance. Is that not cowardly? No, it saves me from more pain.
And so the arguments go on in my mind.

I wish I could tell my friends who looked after me that my quality of life is so poor that thoughts of ending it all are never very far from the front of my mind. But I won't succumb to them will I?

It's ok; me being able to sit here and write all this crap but what does it do for me? Actually, on reflection, this diary of depression has helped put me in touch with some lovely people who either suffer the same illness or who knows a fellow sufferer. Even one small ray of sunshine on a grey day helps me to tolerate my existence.