I'm happy for you; HEARTACHE

I wondered which hurts more,saying something & wishing I hadn't or saying nothing and wishing I had?

In my life I meet people,some I never think about again, some I wonder what happened to them, there are some that I wonder if they ever think about me and then there are some I wish I never had to think about again... but I do. I guess the reason I cherish memories so much,is because they're the only things in life that never change.

It's amazing, some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it changes the way I feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt me so much or make me fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between me is ever really the same again, even if they don't know it, it still happens.

Time goes by so fast; people go in and out of my life. I must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to me. I remember how hongkongdrama used to tell "Don't marry the person you can live with. Marry the person you can't live without."

What is really a great love? It's when you shed a tear and you still long for her. It's when she ignores you and you still love her. It's when she loves another, and you still smile and say "I'm happy for you" :'(

p/s~ If I asked him, would he even know what your smile meant? ....

i need to give up~

The days grow longer as I sit in my chair watching time slip slowly by. I have to give up!

Motivation has become almost non existent. I wait for illness to come and visit me. I can feel my body slowly deteriorating, my chest becoming congested, my limbs becoming useless. The truth is I can find no reason to get up and do anything. Even writing these words takes a massive effort.

I don't know how this situation has come about and I don't know how the hell to get my motivation back. In fact I don't see the point of anything any more. Just sit around and wait for the grim reaper to come and take me I suppose.

It's funny though how my conscience still keeps nagging me. I read the words that I have just written and I feel guilty. Guilty because people are still doing things around me. I should get off my bottom and help, contribute, earn my keep. But I can't do it because, to me, there is no point. Humdrum days.

I don't like me very much. I am not proud of my mental self - they have deteriorated into deep decay. I even disgust myself by whining on in this journal. DO SOMETHING FELIX! I can't. Why not? I don't know. Isn't that the easy way out? I guess so. Well why don't you take the hard way out? Because I follow the path of least resistance. Is that not cowardly? No, it saves me from more pain.
And so the arguments go on in my mind.

I wish I could tell my friends who looked after me that my quality of life is so poor that thoughts of ending it all are never very far from the front of my mind. But I won't succumb to them will I?

It's ok; me being able to sit here and write all this crap but what does it do for me? Actually, on reflection, this diary of depression has helped put me in touch with some lovely people who either suffer the same illness or who knows a fellow sufferer. Even one small ray of sunshine on a grey day helps me to tolerate my existence.

go go go; storm the front

Letting go isn't about winning or losing. it's not about pride, it's not about dwelling on the past. it's not about loss or defeat. it's learning, experiencing, and growing. letting go is to be thankful of the moments that made you laugh, made you cry, made you grow. it's about all that you have and all that you had. it's the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving. it's growing up.

you've been running around for the past year with absolutely no direction. you didn't know what you wanted. all you knew was that he was always there, always in your head, always under your skin...

the irony of love is loving the right person at the wrong time &; having the wrong person when the time is right &; finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life. for some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. love is always present. it's just that one was being loved too much &; the other was being loved too little. we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. so here's a piece of advice: let go when you're hurting too much. give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before.....

there will come a time in your life when you become infatuated with a single soul. for this person, you'd do almost anything without even thinking about it. when asked why, you have no answer. you'll try your whole life to understand how a single person can affect you as much as they do. you'll try to deny it and try to make excuses to avoid facts. as much as you try, you'll never truly be able to avoid your feelings. no matter how badly it hurts, or how badly you hate it, you'll love this person for the rest of your life- without regret.~

when you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults. you don't look for answers. you don't look for mistakes. instead, you fight the mistakes. you accept the faults & you overlook excuses. the measure of love is when you love without measure. there are rare chances that you'll meet the person you love & who loves you in return. so once you have it, don't ever let go. the chance might never come your way again.

Tonight as I sit here listening to music and trying to find words to write, I wonder when you dream, do you hear the words I whisper; listening to beautiful music wash over me, I can only feel the deep longing inside for the part of me that has been missing for so long. That part of me is you. How do I quiet these whispers of my heart? When you sit with your morning drink, waking from sleep, do you read the words on this page... If so is there a knowing, that whisper deep inside that says, “I have found you.” There are many days I wonder this and I doubt the things I have been given. It is my time, for what reason I cannot be sure. I have found you, there can be no mistake, but perhaps this is all there is to be. Time moves in strange ways and it does not always find us together. Time has walked with us before, of this I am certain, and time will once again find us together. Who can say when this will be, for none of us can move time. We can only walk with it, finding, if we are fortunate, those we have always know ....

xo p/s~ “It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.”

Hidden words

In case I never tell you, there are so many reasons I love you. I’ve never been able to tell anyone this before. I suspect it was because I didn’t truly love them.

This beautiful agony of love that fills and tortures me with one look, one word has made me your prisoner. How I wish at times, I had never looked up that day, and seen your eyes. Had I not heard the words that wrapped a spell around my heart, and seen you as one so genuine, true and good, I could rest easy, undisturbed by this love of mine. But I would rest alone, with empty dreams, never knowing. So I remain your prisoner of love, gladly. For I would know you in this world, no matter how far away you are, than have anyone else here, by my side...

I love your eyes, they are so beautiful and they show so many different emotions.(alothou those were contacts i guess:) They let me see so much about you without any words. When you smile, I feel it to the end of my toes, and when you laugh it fills me. When you speak, your words are a part of my soul, and my heart hears the unspoken words. You have a way with words, whether gentle or filled with passion. You have the courage to say what needs to be said and the way to say these things, so people will listen. You have a gentle soul, one that wanders through this world, perhaps in your own world at times, but you are strong as well, and the world is yours to master.

These are just some of the things that come to me tonight. No, I am not lost in love, for with you I could never be lost. I am found, safe, home at last...

According to him, I’m beautiful/incredible ; funny/irresitable. That’s orianthi sang sang in her chorus for hence the starting of the entry “according to you”. Well she might be the new avril lavigne dynamic, pintsized, beautiful and a chic rocking a guitar =D As often as we should praise or sent text of encouragement or empowerment to the oppositesex; well what’s not to love about them? They look prettier, hug-able, smell better, and those smiles just wipes all the stresses and problems right off your world if it’s only for awhileJ

But the problem is we men; never tend to understand or pick when is the right time to send out this kinda signals. Well some might say it’s just pure sweet-talking or just pure angelic intentions, it happens all the time, if not mostly. Had my lesson taught by this sweetheart from Bandar, yeah I mean I liked her not to the extend of loving her but she felt the opposite. When the oppositesex said that she misses you, what do you reply? Or no reply? It may seem so rude to not reply a text sms, I replied with “likewise, I miss you too” as a friendly gesture or returning of a sweet flavour. Things got out of hand after erm I lost count how many sweet-indulged smses we’ve been trading…

It took about a few days to get her intention and signal, I was slowpoked to notice because it was the world cup hehe. But I wasn’t interested, it’s not like she wasn’t pretty , the matter of fact she’s one hottie and have the smarts tooL

Well sorta speaking, I’m no Casanova nor really goodlooking… Why in the world would I reject such feelings for me? insecurities? I sound like a sissy-.-“ ok men do get insecure like women, it’s just that we don’t express them like women do. Even the blind could tell I was ignoring her texting, msn and phonecall; silly excuses were used wc, sleeping, tired and joggin; I did went to jog thou J well I came to my senses and decided to ask her what’s going on with her? BAD IDEA NOW THAT’S WHAT I MEANT BAD TIMING…

Got absolutely battered; my spiderman like senses took me into an eyeful and an earful good golly. Atleast I kept my cool, I do not argue with women. Well maybe some of them; I even had the nerve to ask her what she wanted from me; YOU. Gulp didn’t knew I was that wanted, after trying to explain I liked where we were but no more then that maybe in the future. This women couldn’t take no for an answer, ignorance was a bliss at this moment; where’s that imaginary friend that john mayer sang about? I do need one right now L or she needed one J

Guess what? I’ve got mail! not the meg ryan movie im talking about”you’ve got mail” I think, such a nice movie but I forget what the title was L haha ~ there you go:

I feel in love with you

and then you broke my heart,

i knew never to love a player,

i was wrong from the start . . .

Loving you was like ripping out

my heart.

I refused to looked around me

and see.

All the terrible things you were

doing to me,

i was in my own world and i

didn`t see all the trouble you

were,

i was deeply in love.

Now that`s all ruined, you see,

all becaused you played me,

you had looks,

you were slick with your

words.

You knew just what to say,

i was foolish to think

we were made for each other,

i always prayed you

would never love another,

i wanted us to always be with

each other.

Loving a player is one of the

hardest thing ever,

i have learned a lot

from my experiences with you

my heart was broken into two.

I know now, as i look back on

my past.

Dating a player will never last,

so, in my future i`ll watch what

i do,

i won`t date anymore players.

But i`ll still always love you .

A mere weak smile is all I managed after reading thru the last part ; when did I become a player. For Christ sake; this teaches you not to put too much emphasis/caring/encouragement/playfulness into words. You might get carried away sometimes or the receiver might receive mixed emotions, choose your words carefully and think before you press sendJ I can’t stop nor fault them because I picked my own poison; so sorry for the hurt that occur. Hope she doesn’t read my blog; I do feel sadL~ loliies

Xoxo p/s~ “think before you act, small misunderstandings leads to big consequences”

Q U O T E

Since I’m really bored right now, and I have absolutely nothing to do, I’ll post up some of my favorite quotes. Uhm, I might get a little carried away, so there might be more than “some”. They’re really nice though. [:

“Beauty is not based on how attractive we are to everybody else, but how attractive we are to ourselves, for one cannot think other people think they are full of beauty unless they know they are beautiful too.”

“Just when you think things can’t get any worse, they do. I’ve learned that life is like hour glass sand. Sooner or later, everything hits rock bottom, but all you have to do is be patient and wait for something to turn everything back around.”

“Love is the greatest feeling you will ever have, yet it is also one of the greatest sorrows. There is so much suffering, but then there are times when the crying, pain, and heartache is worth it. Those moments are perfect, they are right. Those moments make all the suffering worth while. It’s those moments we should live for.”

“Remember that the truest love, is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.”

“I’ve learned that things change, people change, and it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to cover it up; it simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren’t meant to be.”

“Just because people change and move on with life, it doesn’t mean that they love you any less.”

“To love someone is to understand each other, to laugh together, to smile with your heart and to trust one another. One important thing is to let each other go if you can’t do this.”

“If you are willing to trust in a person when all others tell you to go against it, if you are willing to risk getting your heart broken because you believe in that other person, Then that is true love.”

“To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail. If it survives, it is going to be stronger than ever. Distance is pure proof of this, and forever we will love if we survive.”

“Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.”

“Don’t let your mind rule over your heart.”

“Don’t ever give up if you still want to try, don’t ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry. Don’t ever settle for an answer if you still want to know. Don’t ever say you don’t love him if you can’t let him go.”

“Giving away a heart can hurt … having a broken heart can be life threatening, even to the strongest people. But, receiving one is the greatest gift.”

“I loved you once, I love you still, I always have, I always will…”

“If I die before you then my love will linger forever around you. And when you change your mind, and wish to be with me, I will greet you at heaven’s gates with the same love and the same loving arms we knew in life.”

“Maybe the reason why I haven’t found who I’ve been searching for is because I know that I’ve already found him. It’s just up to him to say whether I am who he has been waiting for..”

“Advice is only asked to be given when you know the true answer; you just don’t want to believe it.”